I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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