i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
