Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
