did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
