it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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