Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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