I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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