and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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