she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
