allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
