gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
