She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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