i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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