Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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