I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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