I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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