I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
