You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize