every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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