My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
