She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
