I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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