some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
