so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
