Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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