I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
