I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
