she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
