omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
