I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
