I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
