my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
