I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize