Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I did not marry a roomba.
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