You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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