i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
