her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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