Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
