Banned from zoo.
Again?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
