I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
