Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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