halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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