Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
