My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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