cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
