Kiss
Puke
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
