my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
