I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
