your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
