he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize