peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
