There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
