Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
