Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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