Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
