i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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