Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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