There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
