Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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